About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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