Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
