It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
