a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
