So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
