Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
