I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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