he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
