I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
