I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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