I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
