How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
my poor anus
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
