omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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