I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
