If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
