We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He better not be in your backpack
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
