His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
