paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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