dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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