Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
