Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
