i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
