I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
