our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
