I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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