I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
