at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
