Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
