Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
