whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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