She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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