Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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