Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
