Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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