If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He better not be in your backpack
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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