I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
im six kinds of drunk right now
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
