i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
