when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
