So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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