Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
