All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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