I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
