last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
