I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
