I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
