ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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