you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It's blow job season.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
