i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
