How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
