belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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