lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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